Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
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So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I wish all tests were things you peed on
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?