Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
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me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !