She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
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My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.