Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
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Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention