has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
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Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉