Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
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If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
#titanic
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
In case you needed to hear it:
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Chemical wingman
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something