Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
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This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”