Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
had to share :’)
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I’ve been drinking.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.