“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
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Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
so much to do
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts