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I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.