What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
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Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.