[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
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U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
the red hot silly peppers
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed