The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
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[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
*launders Kohls cash*
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
guilty
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.