you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
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There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
plant them where lol
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.