“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
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9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep