I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
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Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on