I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
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Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?