I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao