[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
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I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
That’s incredible! 👌
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Overindulged this afternoon.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.