I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
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[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial