Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
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My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
as is their right
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.