Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
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Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
They’re really bad with fonts.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.