*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
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*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Beware…..
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.