I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
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FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
When someone trying to leave me
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*