Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
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Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Fixed this for Shakespeare
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.