the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
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Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Horrifying if literal: arm candy