I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
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I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]