After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
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The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
lost dog
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME