My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
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Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.