[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
You Might Also Like
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
not for long
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
we all know this pain all too well
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair