I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
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BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
it be like that
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.