Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
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Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
So glad we cleared that up
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Cashiers are always checking me out
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.