Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
You Might Also Like
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it