Bond. Trauma bond.
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“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
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If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Always the camel, never the toe.
He just like my cat fr
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Wake me when AI does housework
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard