I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
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I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!