[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
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If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Just as the prophecy foretold
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.