Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
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It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]