Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
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When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”