You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
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Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.