WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
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Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
The USS B port
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache