Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
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Good Morning.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?