Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
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*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.