ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
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Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
We’re all getting idioter.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
That’s enough internet for the day
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?