The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
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I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.