Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
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The opposite of Iceland is water water
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
medusa but her hair is an anaconda