[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Art by Pastelkatto
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”