Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
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Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?