Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
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[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.