I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
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some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”