Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
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“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.